Pore Cleansers Relieve Your Financial Worries at WIERD...

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

This week WIERD welcomes back Veronica Vasicka from Minimalwave.org and East Village Radio to spin the Very Rare masterpieces of the Minimal Elektronik world...come on in and let our new sound system freeze your pleasure-seeking soul...

So the other day(which IT might add is always an excellent expression as IT implies there are only 2 days, in which case we will all die tomorrow, which is WIERD tonite at midnight, so you kids better have fun as IT will be yr last one...VR) the WIERD is in one of IT absolute fave places on earth 'Duane Read', which IT inordinately enjoys because it once again allows the eminently heterosexual WIERD inside another man's (architectural albeit)body, quite a lovely phantasy for all heterosexuals with effeminate proclivities...and be-leave me you(VR...:)) the Very Rarest things happen inside big sexy Mr. Read, as thee WIERD once again was about to realize...and Be-leaving in Mr. Read is never ending, you buy your products, let him BE, and LEAVE...and you go back and do him, again and again, his discurso-sexual appetite is simply neverending...VR.

The WIERD is enjoying Duane's always-informative magazine section and in particular the fact that the new issue of 'Sports Illustrated' is 'The Music Issue', thank god the biggest Sports magazine in the world is now a music magazine...and a lovely little girl walks by with her VR Mom and says, 'Mommie ummm...Who is Duane Read, who IS he Mommie?'...I don't know honey, he's a man who owns this store we're in.'...'But Mommie we know Du-ANE Mommie!'...'Yes honey, Patty's Daddy's name is Duane, thats right honey'...'Mommie and umm, Duane Reads Mommie!?'...'Yes Honey, he works with daddy so I'm sure he can'...'Ha Ha mommie Duane Read! Duane Read! We are inside Patty's Daddy Mommie:)))!'..."Cmon honey time to go'...The mother perhaps realizing the disturbing notion that she had just facilitated her daughter having a discursively Pedaphilic experience and 'allegorically' cheating on her husband with his coworker coldwave walked away uncomfortably and the WIERD moved on to ITs next mission....

You see the WIERD had 20 of the rarest 'noise musicians' in the world staying at ITs house last week and IT was out for supplies and was given a truly WIERD request by a certain artist to buy his young Belgian model girlfriend some 'Pore cleanser' of a particular brand which the WIERD (of course - IT was about to discover) found. On the box IT said 'Shrinks pores to half size instantly'...Thoughts of course immediately flashed into ITs mind that perhaps IT was a new solution to NYC's welfare problem, just give'em all poor cleanser!!!(duh..), but unfortunately IT was much more complicated than that, as IT always is. The WIERD went up to the counter with the Poor-Cleanser and a few other VR items and the cashier rang up and insanely high tab, thats $78.67 sir.'...'Shit I don't have enough man, I gotta put a few things back'..."sir the poor-cleanser is $19.98'... Problem was IT was quite intent on meeting ITs friend's girlfriend's needs so she would stop whining about her complexion so IT decided the WIERD would steal the Poor-cleanser anyway, and proceded to do such...VR...WIERD approached the clerk, who proceded to say ITs second fave expression- 'Have a good one sir'...'Man I just did(IT penetrated big Honcho-stud M.Read)...Hope I can have another one, I'm HUNGRY for IT'...'Aw you work the nightshift huh, guess this would be dinner for you eh? thought you looked tired'...'nah man, just broke, but I'm gonna fix that'...

WIERD arrived home and the Belgian model says, 'Oh you find eeet dank-u so moch, so nice!!! here ees some mone-ees $20!'...amazing IT thought, the poor cleanser really worked, now IT had money to buy a few drinks tonight, IT was no longer entirely poor! So IT could have ended with that excellent example of a 'product truly WORKING' and bringing IT $20, but the WIERD couldn't help wondering if this excellent new product ALSO in fact would work for the Belgian model, and IT HAD to find out. What IT did not know though was the model's boyfriend had gone out for some snacks for the noise people and had an assortment of bagels, coissants, cookies etc. Then the amazing happened, the model's boyfriend, who is big burly black dude picked up a brownie and devoured IT in one bite. WIERD has only seen this once before which IT loves as the literally 'dark' drama had just played out of a 'brown-he' eating a brown-he', which as one can imagine obviously suggests the brutal and impossible event of Suicide through cannibalism, truly thee most Very Rare of all ways to end IT all!, eating yourself, what the fuck is more of a contemporary by being LITERALLY 'Self-ish' event than that? So the studly black dude then hands his lovely model bride to be(and necromantically at that as little does he just 'literally' died...VR) a brownie...'Here baby eat something cmon'...'No baby I have to wash my face first'...

Then IT all went down, dead boyfriend pushed the Brown-he into her hand and she stuffed IT into her emaciated bone-he cheeks...'OOH so good and Rich honey, yummy!'...WIERD of course saw ITs opportunity for ITs momentary dream to come true - 'Wow did you say RICH?'...'Yes so rich and moist!'...'Wow thats amazing because I just got rich as well!'...'Oh yooor rich huh, dats nice but geeve me my $20 back den, you pay! Ha!'...(this was too good)...'No then I wont be rich anymore'...Oh so yoor not sooo rich, I don't believe you, dees ees a beeg nice house, you ARE rich'...'Oh OK here you go, but if I give you money back can I pleeeeas try some of your Poor-Cleanser(God knows IT will need IT as IT will now be truly POOR again - no cash left for drinks tonite)..:((('...'Oh sure, here you go'...So WIERD exchanged the $20 for the Poor-cleanser, and chilling vibrations of the Very Rare rose up - could this problem solve ITs financial problems for an amazing second time in a row? - please... IT really did not want to walk all the way to the fukin ATM yet again...

So the WIERD opened thee box and began frantically cleansing the Poors, visions of dollars falling from the Coldwave heavens in mind and welfare reform finally being embraced by the downs-syndromed Republicans in Washington...IT washed IT off(and unike the brown-he IT was still there, as IT always is, no sexy cannibalo-suicide for WIERD) slowly and carefully and returned to the brown-he consuming suicide-laden noise party in the other room...'Another noise guy said, 'Dudes beer run time, cough up the cash!'...'WIERD nervously reached for ITs wallet with fingers crossed...did IT work, please, ITs face feels so lovely and smooth...IT opened the wallet and IT was completely empty, FUCK...IT was still Pore!...'Can I have my Pore Cleanser back man? I feel so dirty, ughh'...Yeah here you go, but good luck darling hope you have more luck than me, I'm fukin broke, can you guys buy me a few beers?'...'Sorry man, we only got yr $20, and yr rich man, cmon sure you can buy yr own beer man.'...No honey I just washed my face darling, I guess Igotta go to the ATM...this sucks, I had IT and lost IT, story of ITs life'...and the Coldwave bassline kicked in...Pore again...Very Rare, and as always....WIERD...

Pieter and Veronica Cleanse the Poor and Play no Belgian Wave Whatsoever!!!
Wednesday, June 6th, 10pm-4am
WIERD @ Home Sweet Home
131 Chrystie St.@ Delancey, NYC
J train to Bowery, F to Delancey
Info:(212)226-5708
http://www.wierdrecords.com