Even an OUT-ie with an AUDI will never 'have' an OUTIE at WIERD...

Tuesday July 11th, 2006

Tonite WIERD will be hosting the 'Body-Centric' afterparty for the 'Hands Up/Hands Down' group exhibition at the mysterious new Miguel Abreu gallery on the LES, and yes all the rumours are true that in honor of the recent 'Viva Italia' fever sweeping NYC noneother than the Italowave hero the show is an homage to Mr. Vito Acconci himself will be stopping by to spin a little Italodisco with his enormous dark synth 'conceptual penis'!!!...very rare...

   I was thinking the other day as I was 'posting my Male' how reassuringly androgynous 'Shipping' things is, and not just for the obvious 'post-Op' implications of sending suspicious packages 'Out', but because male-shipping suggests all that is 'naval'(and FYI 'nay-V' so brilliantly literalizes thee rejection of the genital-V of 'woman'...), and thus the obvious reason going INto thee nay-V is often thee best way to avoid 'coming-OUT...With this WIERDness in mind, my very rare friend who is an oldschool foot-fetishist called:
    'Hey dude, my girlfriend just got an amazing new Outie!, you gotta come check it OUT, she really wants to give you a ride in IT!!!'...'Wow, I've heard horror stories of teenage boys enduring latent circumcision, but that operation must have killed!, ughh, what'd they do graft skin from her foot to create the little 'finger', heard that's what they do to put thee dicks on chics?'  thing is I honestly misunderstood him and as complicated thing is he's gay and referring to his boyfriend who's as much of a pervert as himself, really seemed possible he got this WIERD operation to 'come out', mean I kind of understand women 'phallicizing' their breasts and asses with implants(which leads me to a future WIERD lecture where I'd like to suggest men who fetishize huge breasts are all closet queens as its literally a way of putting thee ass on the 'front' - clevage becomes buttcrack etc...) but this was a huge new leap in WIERDness...'You sure she wants me to see it man, must still be all bloody right, she got a gnarly sCAR'?...'No dumbass, she got a new CAR!, and yes for your sake its the new 'S Series' so you can indulge all yr dark synth Naval phantasies.'... 'Well, let me ask you this man, given you guys are I guess too cheap to get a Porsche, only way I'm comin Outie to see yr Audi is if you can assure me yr boyfriend also HAS an Outie, as I've always thought it would be truly brilliant for a gay guy who both IS 'Outie' AND 'HAS an Outie' to be able to actually go 'into his AUDI', kind of like that young doo-rag wearing B-girl i mentioned a few weeks ago(who was thus IN the Rag while also being ON the rag!), except in this case going 'INto his AUDi would truly be an abstraction of 'entering himself', the phantasy of all fantasies for us all, doesn't get any rarer than that! FUUUUUUUUK!!!'....'Yes Pieter he does have an Audi, an its huge man, can't wait for you to see it!'...'Wow so I imagine thee Outie operation must have cost nearly the price of a whole new transmission, then again thats a bit redundant as anyone who comes Outie is already ON a trans-mission, right, quite thee feet, who 'footed the bill' for that shit Mr Toe Queen?:)' ... 'Man you got no idea whats goin on in the footworld, as if the worldcup-of-football(s) wasn't enough to get me hot, you see 20/20 last week ran a 'piece' called 'The Foot Has a New Face' - turns OUT all these Uptownee chics who want to fit INto their new 5" Blahniks and Jimmy Choos are getting their toes literally shortened so they don't hang OUT of their shoes, amazing, they take off a whole knuckle to the tune of $3500, more than a 'Naval Extension' for sure!, and yeah yr right, also about the price of a trans-mission, also brilliant as they literally 'foot the bill', where the hell did that ex-press-ion some from anyway?'...'They all wear press-ons dude, all those crazy chics are all neuritic and bite all their nails Off, so they're footin thee bill fr their hands too, amazing, but yr right, all the more INteresting to foot-the-bill-for-your-FOOT, nothin compared to an 'Out'ie with an Outie goin into an AUDI, you guys win, kings of the WIERD for a week, when yr boyfriend goes INto his AUDI(and thus his 'I'), I'd argue he's the first truly living IPOD, maybe you can get some Apple Sponsorship to foot his operation bill?'...No way man you didn't hear, Apple's all fucked up cause of that kid in Iowa who got hit but lightning and blamed it on his IPOD, and he got all WIERD on Nightline last night as he claims he was listenin to 'Ride the Lightning' by Metallica, though I'm thinkin Apple paid him to set the whole thing up so they can get Metallica to do a new IPOD video then admit the whole thing was a 'reality stunt'...'Yeah saw that kid on TV, whole ear got totally fried off, just has a big hole in the side of his head, gnarly, imagine it looks a bit like yr boyfriend's 'naval sCAR' eh? HA!' ... No our new S-Car is a nice lemon yellow with a beige interior, we call it thee 'Little Magikal Banana' in honor of his 'Finally-Coming-Outie'!!!', we're finally going to march in the parade this year! Awesome!!!'...well dahling all I can say is thank God yr girlfriend is Jewish because if you peeled that banana you'd truly be stuck with a girlfriend, as you can come OUTie but once yr Out, there's no goin back in, and as yr quite thee bottom I know you'd never go IN...'...yeah I know, but we have a good mechanic so HE can 'peel back the hood', we'll never know, and he's an ex Nay-V guy so I think we can trust him'...'Good man, yr a smart little pervert, and as always, very rare'...and WIERD.

Pieter and Miss Liz spin thee Lemon spritzer breeze for a hotwave Nay-V Night!!!
Tuesday, July 11th, 11pm-4am
WIERD@ Southside Lounge
(happy hour and free drinks for all straight guys in Yellow who arrive in OUTies, midnight-1am!!!)
41 Broadway(Wythe/Kent), Wmsbrg, BKNY
J train to Marcy, L to Bedfd
Info:(718)387-3182